Unlocking Behavior as Communication: A Compassionate Guide for Parents and Educators

Understanding why a child acts out can feel like solving a puzzle without all the pieces. When a neurodivergent child struggles with behavior, parents and teachers often ask, "Why is my child acting out?" The answer lies in recognizing that behavior is communication. This guide offers practical, empathetic strategies to help you become a behavior detective, not just a behavior manager.

Parents and teachers collaborating to understand student behavior

Parents and teachers working together to decode behavior at home and school

Behavior is Communication

Children, especially those who are neurodivergent, may not always have the words to express their needs or feelings. Instead, they use behavior to tell us something important. When a child acts out, it’s a signal that a need isn’t being met. This is the foundation of understanding student behavior.

Think of behavior as a language. Just like words, behaviors carry meaning. When you see a child struggling, ask yourself:

• What is this behavior trying to tell me?

• What need might not be met right now?

• How can I respond with curiosity instead of frustration?

  
  

This mindset shifts the focus from punishment to support, creating a more positive environment for everyone.

The SEAT Acronym: A Simple Tool to Decode Behavior

One of the easiest ways to start understanding the functions of behavior is by using the SEAT acronym. It helps identify the common reasons behind behaviors:

• Sensory: The child seeks or avoids sensory input. For example, a child might flap their hands to feel calm or cover their ears to block loud noises.

• Escape: The behavior helps the child avoid something unpleasant, like a difficult task or a noisy environment.

• Attention (Connection): The child wants to connect with others or gain attention, even if it’s negative.

• Tangible: The behavior aims to get a specific item or activity, like a toy or a break.

  
  

Using SEAT helps parents and teachers ask the right questions and observe patterns. For example, if a child frequently leaves their seat during math, it might be an escape behavior signaling frustration.

How to Use the SEAT Acronym in Daily Life

Here are some practical steps to apply SEAT:

• Observe: Take notes on when and where the behavior happens.

• Ask: What happens right before the behavior? What happens after?

• Test: Try small changes to see if the behavior changes. For example, offer a sensory tool or a break.

• Collaborate: Share your observations with others involved in the child’s life.

  
  

This approach turns you into a behavior detective, piecing together clues to understand the child better.

An "ABA-Light" Approach: Curiosity and Support

Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) often gets a reputation for being rigid or clinical. But an ABA-light approach focuses on curiosity and support rather than just "fixing" the child. It encourages:

• Asking why a behavior happens instead of just stopping it.

• Using positive behavior support strategies that teach new skills.

• Celebrating small successes and progress.

• Avoiding punishment or shame.

  
  

For example, if a child shouts in class, instead of saying "Stop that," try to understand what they need. Maybe they want attention or are overwhelmed by noise. Then, offer a positive alternative, like raising a hand or using a signal.

Collaboration Between Parents and Teachers

Parents and teachers see different sides of a child’s behavior. When they work together, they build a fuller picture. Sharing notes, observations, and strategies helps everyone stay consistent and supportive.

Here’s how to build collaboration:

• Use ABC data for parents and teachers: Record the Antecedent (what happened before), Behavior, and Consequence (what happened after).

• Schedule regular check-ins to discuss progress and challenges.

• Share what works at home and school to create consistent responses.

• Respect each other’s insights and experiences.

  
  

This teamwork helps replace frustration with understanding and creates a stronger support system for the child.

ABC data notes being recorded to understand student behavior

Using ABC data for parents and teachers to track behavior patterns and triggers

Replacing Attention-Seeking Behavior with Connection

Sometimes, children act out because they want connection, even if their behavior seems negative. Instead of ignoring or punishing attention-seeking behavior, try replacing it with connection.

Here are some ideas:

• Offer positive attention when the child uses appropriate communication.

• Create predictable routines that make the child feel seen and heard.

• Use simple signals or words to acknowledge their feelings.

• Build moments of connection into the day, like a quick check-in or a shared activity.

  
  

This approach helps the child feel valued and reduces the need for disruptive behaviors.

Common Classroom Behavior Triggers to Watch For

Understanding common triggers helps prevent behaviors before they start. Some triggers include:

• Sudden changes in routine

• Overwhelming sensory environments (bright lights, loud noises)

• Difficult or unclear instructions

• Social challenges with peers

• Feeling rushed or pressured

  
  

By identifying these triggers, teachers can adjust the environment or expectations to better support the child.

Practical Tips for Parents and Teachers Using ABA Strategies

• Keep instructions clear and simple.

• Use visual supports, such as schedules or choice boards.

• Offer sensory breaks or calming tools.

• Praise efforts and progress, not just outcomes.

• Stay patient and consistent.

  
  

These ABA strategies for teachers and parents create a supportive space where children can thrive.

The Detective’s Toolkit: My Favorite Resources.

Being a behavior detective is a journey, not a destination. If you want to dive deeper into the ‘Why’ behind the ‘What,’ here are the books and sites I personally return to time and time again.

Recommended Reading (Books)

These authors are the "gold standard" for moving away from compliance and toward understanding.

• "Beyond Behaviors" by Dr. Mona Delahooke: A must-read. She explains how to look at the nervous system rather than just the outward behavior. Perfect for those who want a brain-based approach.

• "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene: This introduces the CPS (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions) model. It’s the ultimate guide for shifting from "power struggles" to "problem-solving."

• "Self-Reg" by Dr. Stuart Shanker: Great for understanding the difference between self-control (willpower) and self-regulation (biology).

  
  

Practical "ABA-Light" Tools

• The "First/Then" Board: A simple visual tool that helps children understand the sequence of events, which reduces the "Escape" function of behavior by providing a clear endpoint.

• Visual Timers: Tools like the Time Timer help make the abstract concept of time concrete, which is a lifesaver for kids who struggle with transitions.

• The Zones of Regulation: A curriculum (often used in schools) that helps kids categorize their feelings into colors, making it easier for them to communicate their internal "Sensory" state.